Married At First Sight: James Weir recaps | Alds

It’s a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl. Girl falls in love with boy. Boy starts texting another girl. Then a completely different chick comes along and meets the boy’s mate in a random bar where she’s shown screenshots of the boy’s secret affair before she goes on national television and exposes the cheater as the rest of Australia hurls hashtags into Twitter feeds.

It’s identical to the subplot in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: ‘It’s true’: Toxic MAFS groom’s lie exposed

It’s that time of the series for the boys’ and girls’ nights. As MAFS veterans know, these evenings are heinous affairs that always end in disaster. Egos clash. Feelings are bruised. Tarocash and BooHoo.com outfits are torn to shreds.

All the past contestants who crapped off outta the series early are brought back for the big night out. And there’s an extra special treat tonight: Samantha informs us that she has some show-and-tell.

“I have some information that Melissa is not going to like,” she informs us. “I’ve found out some news about her husband Bryce from back home in my city Canberra and it’s from one of his closest friends. And the information I’ve heard is going to be a huge shock to Liss.”

Terrific! Girl, get in here and tell us ya secrets!

We shuffle Samantha to the front of the queue and order her a pre-mixed cocktail that comes right out of the bar tap.

Meanwhile, over at the boys’ night, some of the former contestants are sharing personal tales of the triumph they’ve experienced since leaving the experiment.

“I’ve been cookin’ some big steaks. I bought a new smoker,” Russell says. “I’ve had cow wrapped in cow — it’s been so good. I don’t even have potatoes — I just have meat everyday.”

Russell, it sounds like you need a fibre supplement and a gut specialist.

It’s around now a stench starts wafting through the bar. We scrunch up our noses. What is that? Has someone just cleaned the bathroom? It’s the unmistakeable smell of bleach.

Oh. Hi Sam.

Everyone goes silent as Sam enters and comes face-to-face with his arch nemesis Bryce. Just a few weeks ago, these two couldn’t pass each other in a hallway without picking a fight. But Bryce offers a handshake as a sign of peace. They’re actually being polite. Wow. Maybe the time apart has allowed space for some soul searching and personal growth — reflection on past incidents and ownership of the roles they both played. It looks like tonight there’ll be no troub-

“It seems like 90 per cent of the people at this table have a problem with you!” Sam sneers at Bryce. “How do you feel about that? Have you looked in the mirror? Have you had a good look at it and thought, ‘Maybe I’m the problem here?’”

OK. Sam is trying to provoke Bryce. But Bryce has shown excellent growth — he offered a handshake just seconds ago! We have faith that Bryce will take the high roa-

“No, I’ve even broken some of the mirrors in the apartment! It’s because of my Gonzo nose!” Bryce fires back.

Bryce, come on. We’re not disappointed that you’re fighting. In fact, we actually encourage it. But we are disappointed that you can never nail a comeback. Ditch the mirror analogy and say something about his Clairol home kit!

“I think you carried yourself through the entire experiment like a c**khead,” Sam snaps.

This pushes Bryce over the edge. He shoots up from the table and storms out of the bar.

“Gonzo!” Sam calls out after him. “What a f**king loser.”

This is all so negative and we need to get outta here. We’re sick of toxic behaviour and drama. So we head back to the girls’ night, where we will force Samantha into telling everyone the secret information about Bryce that will destroy his marriage to Melissa.

“In Canberra there have been rumours running wild that Bryce is in a relationship and the girl in Canberra is waiting for him to get off the show. I’ve seen proof. I’ve seen text messages,” Samantha whispers to us away from the group. “I’m gonna wait for the right moment to tell Melissa.”

“No, do it now,” we slap our palm on the tabletop before shoving her back over into the middle of the group. She just stands there, facing the girls in stunned silence. We throw a bread roll. “Speak!”

“I don’t know if you know about a girl back in Canberra,” she blurts out to Melissa.

“That Bryce has been talking to and messaging. He has been messaging her quite frequently. And tried to get time off to go to the rugby with her. And he said he has to do this show for his exposure for his career in radio. Basically she’s waiting for him to come off the show. And this was a week and a half ago. I heard it from one of Bryce’s very good mates. He had all the messages. I even know the girl’s name.”

Then she reveals the chick’s name but the producers bleep it which surprises us because since when did the MAFS producers care about people’s reputations?

Melissa’s eyes well up and tears slowly fall. She doesn’t want to hear this. Each week, it seems like the girls try revealing some new blow about the man she loves. She has been batting away the rumours without a second thought but now the voices are screaming and she can’t ignore them anymore.

“I am the biggest fool,” she sobs.

Ouch. Lies exposed. Text message receipts revealed. A fame-hungry regional radio host having his double life uncovered on TV after leading a weeks-long campaign that ended in Australia turning against him.

I can’t wait until fifty years from now when all of these people’s grandchildren get to watch this footage and judge them.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir